Before I left for this last trip I knew it would be challenging। Several known factors ensured me that this was going to be an undoubtedly intense trip, but I had no idea it was going to be as difficult as it was. I fell in love with Uganda on my first trip. That trip was a glorious, amazing experience; it was difficult to be sure, but overall very positive. On this last trip…my heart was broken…and I will never be the same. I saw things and felt things that I will not soon forget. In fact, I can’t stop thinking about it. The events of this last trip play through my mind continuously. Faces with vacant eyes flood my mind as I stare into my oatmeal at breakfast, stories of what should have never been ring in my ears as I sit in class. I am haunted by the memory of a deafening silence in a place where laughter once echoed. Even in sleep I cannot escape my own thoughts—they are in my dreams, they are in my heart.
But…as only God can do…I am compelled with a greater intensity than ever before to go back—to continue loving, to continue serving, to continue to have my heart broken by the things that break the heart of God. As I have said so many times before, Hope is born in the midst of the storm. In the deepest, darkest shadows where it seems evil has won, God Is. Sometimes he stirs in hearts like a gentle breeze sweeping through the tree tops, and sometimes God reveals himself in a roaring thunder as a protective Father often does. I am not sure how God is working in the little corner of the world that broke my heart, but one thing I know for sure, God is never overwhelmed by the evil in the world. Oh, His heart breaks over every painful experience and loss of hope much more than mine or yours ever could, but I am comforted to know that God is not struggling to defeat the enemy. I may be struggling in my service to God and question whether I have done any good or not, I may have moments of feeling defeated and wonder if there really is reason to hope; but God is never overwhelmed, he has already defeated the enemy. Hope has come in the flesh and blood. The war is over. I am simply called to liberate the camps. Satan is holding precious souls captive and he is not going to hand them over easily. Yes, the war is over, we won. But there are still battles to be fought. Many tears and much blood will be shed. I can’t dismiss what I have seen—the stakes are too high.
Is there a greater tragedy than prisoners of war never being liberated, the enslaved never seeing the light, captives never feeling the warmth of hope?
There is Hope—I have seen it and I must fight this battle by loving others just as Christ has loved me. I am “gloriously ruined.”
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